


Who’s not a slut for Heather’s hips?

by Karmahatesme



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Duke is a meme machine, F/F, Gay Chatfics, Heathers hips made Veronica a bottom, Heathers is iconic, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Its Poly Heathers Time, JD isnt a psychopath, M/M, Swearing, This is set in modern times so it makes sense, Veronica is a mess, Yall just expected this, i rely solely on chatfics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21885781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karmahatesme/pseuds/Karmahatesme
Summary: DemonicRed: listen as soon as i sway these hips everyone is a slut for meSmallhulk: youre not wrong heatherYeellow: i mean veronica admitted she was a bottom when she saw your hips sway for the first timeImBlue: I TRUSTED YOU WITH THAT INFORMATION AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WITH ITYeellow: yeeImBlue: cant argue with that
Relationships: Heather Chandler/Heather Duke, Heather Chandler/Heather Duke/Heather McNamara/Veronica Sawyer, Heather Chandler/Heather McNamara, Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer, Heather Duke/Heather McNamara, Heather Duke/Veronica Sawyer, Heather McNamara/Veronica Sawyer, Kurt Kelly/Ram Sweeney
Comments: 75
Kudos: 595





	1. Chaotic dumbasses unite

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo this is set in modern times yeet

_A demon, a memer, the only smart one and a crackhead_

**DemonicRed** : first order of business 

**Smallhulk** : we defeat the huns

 **DemonicRed** : no you fucking idiot what the fuck are you talking about

 **ImBlue** : send daughters instead of sons

 **DemonicRed** : What the fuck are you guys actually talking about

 **Yeellow** : beat up a spineless pale pathetic lot who havent got a clue

 **DemonicRed** : BITCHES SHUT THE FUCK UP I DONT GET YOUR DUMB REFERENCES YOU PIECES OD SHIT 

**DemonicRed** : kurt and ram are pining for each other again so im gonna need the key to the janitors closet

 **Yeellow** : heather thats the plan you always use for people who pine for each other

 **DemonicRed** : it always works so im using it

 **Smallhulk** : you tried that with me and mac and we ended up getting sent to the principals office

 **DemonicRed** : yeah but that was because i lost the key and had to tell a nerd to get another key and they fuckinf snitched on me like a little bitchass motherfuker

 **ImBlue** : man y’all’re wild

 **Smallhulk** : v whatever you just said

 **Smallhulk** : im proud of you

 **Yeellow** : im not, in fact im quite disappointed 

**DemonicRed** : What the fuck is that

 **DemonicRed** : did you combine the words you all and are

 **ImBlue** : mayhaps 

**DemonicRed** : no wonder youre the idiotic one ronnie 

**ImBlue** : not my fault im friends with jd

 **Yeellow** : ah slushee slut

 **ImBlue** : yep hes been vibing at 7/11 a lot more 

**Yeellow** : oh I saw him a couple of days ago actually! He was looking a lot better! 

**ImBlue** : yep! 

**DemonicRed** : good to see that the hoe is better

 **Smallhulk** : wow what a rare occurance 

**DemonicRed** : ?

 **Smallhulk** : Heather actually gives a shit about someone

 **DemonicRed** : fuck off i sometimes have feelings ok? 

**Yeellow** : sometimes? 

**ImBlue** : colour me stoked It’s such a rare occurrence 

**DemonicRed** : FUCK OFF

 **Smallhulk** : bet yall that she secretly cares about all of us

 **ImBlue** : honestly i think she does

 **DemonicRed** : im done with you lot

 **Smallhulk** : wow guys shes done with us

 **Yeellow** : wow shes done with us

 **ImBlue** : wow

 **DemonicRed** : on one hand i want to be mad at you but on the other hand im glad i taught you lot to be extremely sarcastic but mostly I just want to kill you all 

**Smallhulk** : i wanna get killed kill me daddy 🥰

 **DemonicRed** : i take it back never mind 

**ImBlue** : duke daddy kink confirmed??

 **Yeellow** : DADDY KINK IM-

 **DemonicRed** : im going to brutally murder each and every one of you 

**Yeellow** : good do it, ill just continue living 

**DemonicRed** : fuckin bitch

 **Smallhulk** : shes an immortal but she’s my immortal 

**ImBlue** : oh my fucking god duke you didn’t

 **Smallhulk** : oh but i did

 **DemonicRed** : somebody get me a chainsaw im gonna fuckinf kill duke

 **ImBlue** : Go off queen ❤️

 **DemonicRed** : I could break your legs. 

**Yeellow** : Veronica knows this and yet she still decides to thirst for your hips

 **ImBlue** : HEATHER 

**Smallhulk** : THIS JUST IN! Veronica Sawyer gets called out for being a bottom, more at 7.

 **Yeellow** : I’m your co-host Heather, with your lovely host Heather, and the weatherwoman, Heather 

**DemonicRed** : WAIT WHY THE FUCK AM I THE WEATHERWOMAN???

 **ImBlue** : because you could not be near duke without trying to snap her neck 

**Smallhulk** : true she takes one look at me in gym class and she threatens to slit my throat 

**Yeellow** : What the fuck 🤠

 **ImBlue** : only Chands could get away with that shit

 **ImBlue** : not because im a simp or anything 

**Smallhulk** : you are quite literally the definition of a simp and you know fully well that youd let chandler get away with murder because youd want her to crush you as well

 **ImBlue** : Square up bitch I’ll punt you into next week 

**DemonicRed** : I get it, I’m fucking drop dead gorgeous, now let me kill Duke in peace.

 **Smallhulk** : unlucky for you my shortness has led me to be able to run fast as fuck and therefore FUCK YOU HEHEHEHEHEHE

 **Yeellow** : seeing duke kick chandler in the shins before running off so fucking quickly says a lot about our society

 **ImBlue** : DOES IT REALLY??? DOES IT REALLY FUCKINF SAY SOMETHINF ABOUT OUR SOCIETY???

 **Yeellow** : nah but it’s really funny seeing heather trying to run after my girlfriend in heels 

**ImBlue** : you’re a bitch sometimes you know that?

 **Yeellow** : of course i know that I’m part of the stoplight squad 


	2. JUST PAUSE THE FUCKING GAME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeellow: Duke pause the game
> 
> Smallhulk: fuck no
> 
> DemonicRed: PAUSE THE RUCKING GANE YOU LITTLE SHIT
> 
> Smallhulk: FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT SPELLING HEATHER
> 
> ImBlue: *greatly concerned*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take these dumbasses 
> 
> Appreciate the dumbasses
> 
> Now you got heathers to look after so good luck with that

**Smallhulk** : fuckin hell im tired

**ImBlue** : then go to sleep it’s fucking 2 in the morning

**Smallhulk** : and why the fuck are you up ron 

**ImBlue** : thats an off topic question duke 

**Yeellow** : fuck off and sleep

**Smallhulk** : no im playing smash bros

**ImBlue** : yoooo you play that game too? Who do you main? 

**Smallhulk** : oh sick someone else plays it, I main Roy and Little Mac

**ImBlue** : shit i have competition, I main link and bowser

**Smallhulk** : youre going down bottom

**Yeellow** : fucking go to sleep

**Smallhulk** : no im in the middle of a match

**Yeellow** : Duke pause the game

**Smallhulk** : fuck no it’s an online game that’s not how it fucking works 

**DemonicRed** : PAUSE THE RUCKING GANE YOU LITTLE SHIT BEDORE I JILL UOU

**Smallhulk** : FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT SPELLING HEATHER I AM TRYING TO FUCK THIS LITTLE DICKHEAD MARIOS ASS OFF THE STAGE

**ImBlue** : *greatly concerned*

**DemonicRed** : I IWLL FUCKING MAKE SURE NECT TIME WE ARE PLAYING KNIFE MONOPOLY WHEN YOU COME OVER IF YOU DONT FUCKINF SWITCH OFF THE GAME

**ImBlue** : WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS KNIFE MONOPOLY

**Smallhulk** : basically it’s monopoly but you can threaten the banker and your opponents with a knife

**Yeellow** : depends on how good the knife is tho

**Smallhulk** : Im currently on a win streak because I always have the biggest knives because i am a swag child of satan 

**DemonicRed** : ok even im fucking concerned with the size of those knives 

**ImBlue** : i want to try this now

**Yeellow** : we can play later on today! It will be fun!

**Smallhulk** : were playing it at my house bitches

**DemonicRed** : good NOW FO THE FUCK TK SLEEP YOU BITCHS 

**ImBlue** : huh I wonder if heather is tired

**Yeellow** : I wonder indeed

**Smallhulk** : it is The greatest mystery of our time

**DemonicRed** : you know what fuck this as the bop it game says when you ignore it for too long

**DemonicRed** : im going to sleep

**ImBlue** : wish i could relate but tag yourself as a bop it action

**ImBlue** : im twist it

**Yeellow** : im pull it

**Smallhulk** : im bop it because everytime heather sees me she wants to bop my head off 

**Yeellow** : don’t act like you don’t want to do the same to chandler 

**Smallhulk** : cant talk must be better than ron at smash

**ImBlue** : OH JTS ON LITTLE BITCH

**Smallhulk** : CHANDS ISNT THAT MUCH TALLER THAN ME YOU FUCKING WHORE

**ImBlue** : SHIT SHES SMALL?

**ImBlue** : HOLY SHIT I NEED TO CHEK THIS NOW

**Yeellow** : ok just do it in the morning because I wanna fucking sleep as well

**ImBlue** : fine

**Smallhulk** : she muttered with as much teenage angst possible

**Yeellow** : widnownckdhwiqifndown

**ImBlue** : WHO THE FUCK LET YOU LIVE 

**Smallhulk** : Idk man some lesbian Jesus called Hayley Kiyoko

**ImBlue** : understandable have a nice day 

**Smallhulk** : like you don’t listen to her music and instantly ascend to lesbian heaven

**ImBlue** : i put the bi in bitch excuse me

**Smallhulk** : is that why you cant tie your shoelaces??

**Smallhulk** : like im 99% you cant tie your shoelaces properly 

**ImBlue** : literally fuck off it was one time 

**Smallhulk** : 5 times actually you cried one time 

**Yeellow** : go to fucking sleep now

**Smallhulk** : alright night

**ImBlue** : lmao whipped

**DemonicRed** : alright now that im officialally feeling like shit let’s play knife monopoly

**Smallhulk** : how the fuck do you spell officially

**DemonicRed** : SHUT THE RUCK UP HEATHER

**Yeellow** : pretty sure kurt and ram can spell better than you

**DemonicRed** : FUCKIN SHUT UP

**ImBlue** : this is riveting I can’t breathe

**DemonicRed** : good choke

**ImBlue** : kinky

**Yeellow** : i will kill you you horny bitches 

**Smallhulk** : not today, we’re playing knife monopoly so I can handle her

**Yeellow** : my saviour❤️

**DemonicRed** : meet at dukes in 30 minutes

**ImBlue** : got it!   
  


**ImBlue** : DUKE HOW FUCKING BIG ARE YOUR KNIVES

**Smallhulk** : WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT

**DemonicRed** : BECAUSE THEYRE FUCKING HUGE

**Smallhulk** : ITS NOT LIKE I USE THEM FOR ANY OTHER GAME ITS JUST FOR KNIFE MONOPOLY

**Yeellow** : just take the goddamn money and win before i get a headache 

**Smallhulk** : another win for the ultimate gremlin, face my fury you fucking losers

**ImBlue** : ok so duke is fucking terrifying during knife monopoly

**DemonicRed** : this is why I prefer strip uno

**ImBlue** : WHAT THE FUCK IS STRIP UNO

**Smallhulk** : Aw shit here we go again

**Yeellow** : one fucking game I just want it to be normal ONE FUCKING GAME

**Smallhulk** : rip but that aint happenjng 

**ImBlue** : WHAT THE FUCK IS STRIP UNO AND HOW DO I PLAY IT

**DemonicRed** : well

**Yeellow** : DO NOT TELL HER 

**Smallhulk** : im gonna go get some bagels and i hope my living room isnt fucking destroyed when i come back

**ImBlue** : STRIP UNO STRIP UNO STRIP UNO

**Yeellow** : whatever did I do to spite you satan 

**DemonicRed** : idk probably when you stole my cookie

**Yeellow** : THAT WAS IN 3RD GRADE HEATHER HOLY SHIT

**DemonicRed** : bitch it was chocolate chip

**Smallhulk** : i go to get bagels and i come back to see my girlfriend putting heather in a headlock and Veronica trying to pull them apart

**Smallhulk** : I WAS GONE FOR TWO MINUTES YOU FUCKERS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if should introduce JD next


	3. Just let me die from my sugar high VERONICA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BiBiBi: STOP DRINKING SO MANY SLUSHIES HOLY SHIT
> 
> SlushieSlut69: JUST LET ME DIE FROM MY SUGAR HIGH VERONICA
> 
> BiBiBi: NEVER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit sorry for not updating this dudes

_The Bisexual and the Sugar Addict_

**BiBiBi** : JD

 **BiBiBi** : my bro

 **BiBiBi** : my dude

 **BiBiBi** : I think I have a crush on Heather Chandler

 **SlushieSlut69** : madam what the fuck

 **BiBiBi** : I DONT KNOW I JUST WANNA HOLD HER AND KISS HER AND HNNNNNNN

 **SlushieSlut69** : the only thing I want to hold is 7/11 slushies 

**BiBiBi** : shut the fuck up you god damn slut for sugar I’m having a very big panic right now

 **SlushieSlut69** : but I wanna die from sugar highs

 **BiBiBi** : no

 **SlushieSlut69** : well too bad I’ve already got a slushie bitch 

BiBiBi: SIR THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FRIEND WHO LOVES SLUSHIES TOO MUCH

 **SlushieSlut69** : MA’AM THIS IS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FRIEND WHOS A BISEXUAL DISASTER 

**BiBiBi** : youre not wrong tho

 **SlushieSlut69** : too tru too tru

 **BiBiBi** : but I mean...back to my situation 

**SlushieSlut69** : Alright shortie tell me the sitch

 **BiBiBi** : First of all fuck you im only 2 inches smaller

 **BiBiBi** : second of all idk how it happened one minute Heather C was laughing and the next I was having fantasies about kissing her

 **SlushieSlut69** : and why are you telling me this?

 **BiBiBi** : im currently mad at Duke for beating me in smash and McNamara will tell Duke and Duke will make fun of me for having a crush on a literal demon

 **SlushieSlut69** : and martha?

 **BiBiBi** : she’d just shake her head in disappointment thanks to my odd taste in women

 **SlushieSlut69** : *sips fourth slushie of the day* 

**BiBiBi** : STOP DRINKING SO MANY SLUSHIES HOLY SHIT

 **SlushieSlut69** : JUST LET ME DIE FROM MY SUGAR HIGH VERONICA

 **BiBiBi** : NEVER

 **BiBiBi** : WERE GETTING OFF TRACK AGAIN GOD DAMMIT

 **SlushieSlut69** : If I were you, and I’d never want to be you shortie, I’d just tell the chick 

**BiBiBi** : YOU DONT UNDERSTAND 

**BiBiBi** : ALSO FUCK YOU

 **SlushieSlut69** : Im ace

 **BiBiBi** : YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

 **BiBiBi** : HEATHER CHANDLER IS THE BIGGEST, BADDEST AND MOST TERRIFYING BITCH UN OUT YEAR 

**SlushieSlut69** : man your spelling is just as bad as your crush on heather

 **BiBiBi** : DAMMIT JD

 **SlushieSlut69** : Just do what I always do

 **BiBiBi** : no jd i will not deepthroat a slushie

 **SlushieSlut69** : Worth a shot

 **BiBiBi** : BUT HOW DO I HANDLE THIS

 **SlushieSlut69** : you dont 

**SlushieSlut69** : you lie down on the dirt and let the earth slowly reclaim you

 **BiBiBi** : hmmmm no too hard and too slow

 **SlushieSlut69** : that’s what she said 

**BiBiBi** : eyyyyyy

 **SlushieSlut69** : eyyyyyyyy

 **BiBiBi** : wait a minute McNamara just messaged me

 **SlushieSlut69** : go talk to the literal ray of sunshine

 **BiBiBi** : k

 **SlushieSlut69** : dont you fucking ‘k’ you little bitch-

_Cinnamon Roll and Sinnamon Roll_

**Cinnamon** : Help I lost Duke in Walmart

 **Sinnamon** : you did WHAT

 **Sinnamon** : DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING BIG WALMARTS ARE

 **Cinnamon** : I KNOW BUT ONE MINUTE SHE WAS THERE THE NEXT SHE WAS JUST GONE

 **Sinnamon** : JESUS IM ON MY WAY 

**Sinnamon** : YOURE LUCKY I WAS CLOSE TO WALMART

 **Cinnamon** : ngl im actually really tempted to ask to make a lost child announcement 

**Cinnamon** : also Heather is here

 **Sinnamon** : O h 

**Sinnamon** : Heather will definitely make a lost child announcement but make it 

**Sinnamon** : Goodbye you little shit

 **Cinnamon** : Actually Heather isn’t that tall! But also true she keeps complaining about not wanting to help

 **Sinnamon** : So ive heard from Duke, also just tell her I’ll be there in a second

 **Cinnamon** : omg she stopped complaining

 **Cinnamon** : Ah there you are!

 **Sinnamon** : ‘Tis I, the Sinnamon roll 

**Cinnamon** : Go with Heather to find Duke, I’m going on my own because she’s chill with me but if she sees Heather alone she will not hesitate in fistfighting her 

**Sinnamon** : Local Midget fistfights Satan

 **Cinnamon** : HWIDBWLFN

 **Cinnamon** : ACCURATE 

**Sinnamon** : Well good luck Heather’s dragging me to the alcohol 

**Cinnamon** : istg if you steal anything I will personally beat you to the ground

 **Sinnamon** : ITS MORE HEATHER THAN MR WHAT THE FUCK 

**Cinnamon** : just find my midget

 **Sinnamon** : awwww

 **Cinnamon** : Veronica 

**Sinnamon** : aight imma head out

_Small Timeskip_

**Sinnamon** : Well that was an adventure 

**Cinnamon** : ‘Could the Girlfriend of the small brunette fighting her small blonde friend come pick up her OH MY GOD HEATHER PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE-‘ 

**Sinnamon** : SHE WAS ABOUT TO STAB HER 

**Cinnamon** : DUKE WAS SPEEDING IN A SHOPPING CART

 **Cinnamon** : A S H O P P I N G C A R T VERONICA 

**Cinnamon** : HOW MUCH SHIT CAN HAPPEN IN THE SPAN OF 5 FUCKING MINUTES 

**Sinnamon** : idk what to tell you dude one minute we found duke the next they were fighting 

**Cinnamon** : It was expected 

**Sinnamon** : But like I need to tel you something important 

**Sinnamon** : But you have to promise not to tell Duke

 **Cinnamon** : Course Ronnie! What’s the matter?

 **Sinnamon** : I like Chandler

 **Cinnamon** : what

 **Sinnamon** : I like Heather Chandler and I want to date her

 **Cinnamon** : GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I OWE DUKE $25 NOW

 **Sinnamon** : YOU WERE BETTING ON ME

 **Cinnamon** : YEAH TO SEE WHEN YOUD ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS FOR HEATHER

 **Sinnamon** : wow what great friends I have 

**Cinnamon** : But damn you fucked up

 **Cinnamon** : Heathers in a bad mood and since you helped Duke you are going to d I e

 **Sinnamon** : God fucking dammit why does satan spite me

 **Cinnamon** : she only spites me because I ate her fucking cookie 

**Sinnamon** : Well I mean

 **Sinnamon** : It was chocolate chip

 **Cinnamon** : you know what?

 **Cinnamon** : I’m legally changing my last name to McFuck you

 **Sinnamon** : isnt that the name of the ceelo green song???


	4. Lessons with an Insomniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tiny bitch: Alright fuckers listen up 
> 
> Pure ray of sunshine: Duke it’s 2am what ejfoe fuck
> 
> tiny bitch: today I’m teaching you how to make some good fucking bagels
> 
> screaming demon: DUEK EI SWEAR TOE GOD GOEB THE RCUK TO SLEEO
> 
> tiny bitch: that gave me a mild headache but moving on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A demon, a bitch, a poor sane person and no one~

_Stoplights of High School_

**tiny bitch** : you ever just want to vibe check yourself?

 **screaming demon** : Oh fuck yeah now we are talkin

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Duke, my love, my forever angel

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Are you ok?

 **tiny bitch** : nope but I’m eating my pain away in some good bagels

 **screaming demon** : bitch that’s what you always do

 **tiny bitch** : the only time I know how to convey emotions is when I’m with my girlfriend bitch

 **screaming demon** : don’t bitch me bitch

 **tiny bitch** : I’ll bitch you all I want bitch I’m a fucking tiny bitch

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Ah shit it’s getting late

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : My parents will be wanting me to go to sleep soon so I can “dream about marrying a rich man” like cmon mom im a lesbian i literally have a Hayley Kiyoko poster in my bedroom

 **screaming demon** : well you’re marrying a gremlin

 **tiny bitch** : honestly not even gonna argue there 

**Pure ray of sunshine** : Mmm you’re so right

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : ah gotta go guys!

 **screaming demon** : bye favourable heather

 **tiny bitch** : night babe love you! <3

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Love you too! <3

 **tiny bitch:** oh and demonic friend of mine?

 **screaming demon** : what do you want?

 **tiny bitch** : What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over 700, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, and now you’re paying the price. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 **screaming demon** : HEATHER WHAT THE FUCK

 **tiny bitch** : ive got more of these bitches 

**screaming demon** : HEATHER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT

 **tiny bitch** : IM A MEMER WHAT THE TUCK DID YOU EXPECT FROM ME I THRIVE FROM DEAD MEMES AND COPYPASTAS LIKE THEYRE SOME SORT OF HEALTHY COPING MECHANISM 

**screaming demon** : A NORMAL FUCKING CONBERSATION??? Also get some fucking therapy 

**tiny bitch** : your expectations must of been really fucking low for that huh also no❤️

 **screaming demon** : ngl yeah

 **screaming demon** : wait what other memes do you have?

 **tiny bitch** : The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

 **screaming demon** : OH IM OUT NOT THAT SHIT AGAIN I COLLAPSED AFTER THE FIRST FUCKING LAP

 **tiny bitch** : YOU FUCKING ASKED 

**tiny bitch** : Alright fuckers listen up 

**Pure ray of sunshine** : Duke it’s 2am what ejfoe fuck

 **tiny bitch** : today I’m teaching you how to make some good fucking bagels

 **screaming demon** : DUEK EI SWEAR TOE GOD GOEB THE RCUK TO SLEEO

 **tiny bitch** : that gave me a mild headache but moving on

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Also I just looked back at the chat

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Duke, Chandler what the fuck??

 **screaming demon** : thsi fkcing bichy snet thme 

**Pure ray of sunshine** : You managed to misspell every single word in that sentence 

**screaming demon** : fcuk yoy 

**tiny bitch** : Alright turns out I can’t make bagels

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : duke what happened 

**tiny bitch** : my microwave blew up

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : DUKE WHY WERE YOU USING A MICROWAVE TO MAKE BAGELS

 **tiny bitch** : IM TIRED OK I JUST WANT TO HIT MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL AND SLEEP FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS

 **screaming demon** : wkfneken FUCU JEIF UU

 **tiny bitch** : I don’t think Heather is ok

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : what makes you say that?

 **tiny bitch** : idk but I now gotta hide this microwave from anyone who visits 

**tiny bitch** : my parents as well but theyre away on some stupid business trip for a whole 2 weeks

 **screaming demon** : FCIK OFF EAND GO TO SLEEP

 **tiny bitch** : FINE SHUT THE FUCK UP

**tiny bitch** : NNNNNNNNN

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : Duke how much sleep did you get

 **tiny bitch** : idk like an hour? It wasn’t fucking consecutive but whatever 

**screaming demon** : duke what the fuck

 **tiny bitch** : my room isn’t even that blurry

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : THATS IT IM COMING OVER TO TAKE CARE OF YOU

 **screaming demon** : and im coming to raid your fridge and give you mild support

 **tiny bitch** : IMMA BAD BITCH YOU CANT MAKE ME SLEEP

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : OH YES INFUCKIN CAN NOW STOP TRYING TO ESCAPE OUT YOUR WINDOW

 **tiny bitch** : NEVERRRRR

 **screaming demon** : HOW CAN SOMEONE SO SMALL RUN SONFUCKING FAST

 **tiny bitch** : ITS THE PENT UP ANGER AND COFFEE IM FEELING EVERY EMOTION RN

 **Pure ray of sunshine** : DUKE ISTG

 **tiny bitch** : GOTTA GO FAST


	5. Buff Chandler and a whipped Veronica

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sinnamon: SHE HAS ABS HEATHER
> 
> Sinnamon: I THINK I JUST DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN BECAUSE HOT DAMN CHANDLER HAS ABS
> 
> Cinnamon: Jesus fuck you’re a mess
> 
> Sinnamon: I thought you would’ve known this by now

_A demon, a memer, the only smart one and a crackhead_

**ImBlue** : greetings immortal beings and welcome back to another video of

 **ImBlue** : what the fuck is having a normal sleep schedule

 **ImBlue** : I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 3pm

 **ImBlue** : I have officially wasted my life

 **Smallhulk** : you say this but then you remember youre the second most responsible person out of this group

 **Yeellow** : im the most responsible due to having to be the mother figure 

**DemonicRed** : because half of us have shitty parents 

**DemonicRed** : oh and btw bitches i went to the gym and guess who I fucking saw

 **DemonicRed** : Kurt and Ram trying not to stare at eech othaus abs 

**Smallhulk** : I really wish you could actually fucking spell heather like what the fuck

 **DemonicRed** : is this chat just to fucking bully me and my spelling?

_Yeellow has changed the chatname to ‘Chandler can’t spell’!_   
  


**DemonicRed** : FUCK YOU

 **Smallhulk** : wow you’ve got more pent up rage than me and im smaller than you!

 **ImBlue** : wait heather you go to the gym?

 **DemonicRed** : what you think im not living a healthy lifestyle?

 **Smallhulk** : heather none of us have a healthy lifestyle we’re high schoolers in america for fucks sake

 **DemonicRed** : mood but anyways

 **DemonicRed** : yeah ofc I go to the gym how else would I get this fine body

**_DemonicRed has sent an image_ **

**Smallhulk** : stop showing off your six pack bitch

 **Smallhulk** : ONWKDJWKD LOOK AT KURT AND RAM IN THE BACKGROUND THEYRE LITERALLY THIRSTING SO BADLY 

**DemonicRed** : OH SHIT I JUST NOTICED LMAOOOOO

 **Yeellow** : ronnies been quiet since you’ve sent that image heather

 **Smallhulk** : she’s either dead or dead

 **Smallhulk** : no other possible reason

_Cinnamon Roll and Sinnamon Roll_

**Sinnamon** : i met a god today

 **Sinnamon** : AND HER NAME IS HEATHER FUCKING CHANDLER 

**Cinnamon** : here we go

 **Sinnamon** : SHE HAS ABS HEATHER

 **Sinnamon** : I THINK I JUST DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN BECAUSE HOT DAMN CHANDLER HAS ABS

 **Cinnamon** : Jesus fuck you’re a mess

 **Sinnamon** : I thought you would’ve known this by now

 **Cinnamon** : you’re handling this as well as duke handles her sleeping problem

 **Cinnamon** : by drinking Mountain Dew and not sleeping 

**Sinnamon** : fuck u mcdonalds 

**Cinnamon** : that’s the best nickname you could actually think of for me?

 **Sinnamon** : WELL ITS HARD WHEN YOURE GAY PANICKING HEATHER BECAUSE I AM IN FACT GAY PANICKING

 **Cinnamon** : what’s it like gay panicking?

 **Sinnamon** : stfu just because you have a gf now does NOT MEAN YOU CAN SLANDER ME LIKE THIS

 **Cinnamon** : it actually does because going by our groups logic we just call out everyone for everything

 **Cinnamon** : like chandlers spelling 

**Sinnamon** : ok I may be gay for her but wtf is with her spelling?

 **Cinnamon** : no fucking clue but hey at least it’s not you talking about chandlers abs for another hour

 **Sinnamon** : FUCK

 **Sinnamon** : YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 **Cinnamon** : you and chandler are made for each other lmao

_Chandler can’t spell_

**DemonicRed** : DUKE STOP FUCKING PLAYING GUMMY BEAR I CAN HEAR IT FROM OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE

 **Smallhulk** : HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP CHANDLER AND LET ME LIVE MY GOD FAMN LIFE 

**Yeellow** : oh for fucks sake what’s happening this time

 **ImBlue** : is this a bad time to return

 **Smallhulk** : THIS SMALL BITCH OVER HERE THINKS SHE CAN CHOOSE WHAT I CAN AND CANT LISTEN TO

 **DemonicRed** : MAYBE IF YOU DIDNT CHOOSE UCH A HOD HFCIKNG AWFUL FONG ADN BALST IT THROHOUT THE WHOSLE GODANM STEET THEN I WOULDNT HAVE TO SAI ANYTHING

 **ImBlue** : Yep this was a bad time to come back I’m gonna get a headache from that

 **Yeellow** : duke I can see you coming out of your house DO NOT start another fight with chandler

 **Smallhulk** : HWIDB WIJDIW D WJDIWJXB

 **DemonicRed** : HWIFIWI FUCKSIN BITCHWJNDKWN

 **Yeellow** : I actually fucking hate this family

 **ImBlue** : i am just standing here

 **ImBlue** : watching whatever the fuck is going down between chandler and duke because those two have some issues

 **Yeellow** : we all have issues ronnie 

**Yeellow** : DUKE STOP YOURE BLEEDING

 **ImBlue** : YOURE BOTH BLEEDING GUYS STOP

 **DemonicRed** : fine

 **Smallhulk** : stop being a fucking bitch heather

 **DemonicRed** : no u

 **Smallhulk** : Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

 **ImBlue** : WTF HEATHER

 **DemonicRed** : AGAIN WITH THE COPYPASTAS

 **Yeellow** : heather don’t you dare fight duke again

 **Smallhulk** : OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 Take me by the hand ✋ lead me to the land that you understand 🙌 🌊 OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 The voyage 🚲 to the corner of the 🌎 globe is a real trip 👌 🌊 OCEAN MAN 🌊 😍 The crust of a tan man 👳 imbibed by the sand 👍 Soaking up the 💦 thirst of the land 💯

 **Yeellow** : never mind im done 

**ImBlue** :...

 **DemonicRed** : dont u fuckin dare ronnie

 **ImBlue** : I sexually Identify as an the sun. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of slamming hydrogen isotopes into each other to make helium & light and send it throught the galaxy. People say to me that a person being a star is Impossible and I’m fucking *beep* but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon inflate me with hydrogen and raise my temperature to over 6000 °C. From now on I want you guys to call me “Sol” and respect my right to give you vitamin D and probably sunburns. If you can’t accept me you’re a fusionphobe and need to check your astral privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

 **Smallhulk** : JOIN ME BRÖTHER 

**DemonicRed** : FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY

 **Yeellow** : I regret becoming the mother of this group


	6. What are you up to step-bro?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DumbWhore: Hey JD, my bro, the only family member I tolerate and slightly love? 
> 
> DumberWhore: waddup? 
> 
> DumbWhore: shut your fucking emo music up before i shove my sandal so far up your ass you’ll throw it up
> 
> DumberWhore: Jesus tiddy Christ Heather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing one of my fave headcanons!
> 
> Heather Chandler and JD being step siblings!
> 
> TW for implied child abuse, blood

_Dumb whores unite  
_

**DumbWhore** : so like

 **DumbWhore** : what do I do about ronnie?

 **DumberWhore** : sis, I know you like her but cmon, stop hiding your feelings so easily from her 

**DumbWhore** : but I c a n t that’s the point you dumbass

 **DumberWhore** : says the bitch who can’t confess her fucking feelings to Veronica of all peopke

 **DumbWhore** : peopke 

**DumberWhore** : shut your dumb blonde ass up

 **DumbWhore** : ok but touche tho cause Ronnie managed to get her head stuck in a bucket for an hour and didn’t tell any of us

 **DumberWhore** : thats veronica for ya

 **DumberWhore** : shit I think dads home

 **DumbWhore** : jd hide under my bed I’ll handle him

 **DumberWhore** : chandler he’s drunk 

**DumberWhore** : he’ll hurt you

 **DumbWhore** : he’s hurt you for 10 years, it’s my turn to help you

 **DumberWhore** : chands

 **DumbWhore** : just fuckin hide before dad gets upstairs 

**DumberWhore** : fine. But I am helping you afterward.

 **DumbWhore** : deal.

  
JD wasn’t expecting this sort of kindness from Heather Chandler of all people, they were step siblings sure but this was Heather Chandler, the demon queen of high school as Veronica put it.

The boy quietly slid under his step sisters bed and heard the heavy and loud footsteps of his deadbeat dad. Heather was sitting by her desk as she pretended to do her homework as a way for him to target her and ignore JD as a whole.

It happened so quickly that JD didn’t know what to think, his dad came in drunk, asked where he was and Heather replied rudely like she would if a teacher were to ask her a question. Then JD heard a sound that sounded like glass smashing and his dad yelled at Heather. It was muffled thanks to being under the bed but he could make out the basics of it.

”DON’T YOU FUCKIN SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU BLONDE WHORE! GO BACK TO SUCKING DICKS LIKE THE SLUT YOU ARE!” 

JD heard footsteps leave and a loud slamming sound proved that his dad had left the room. Immediately he rolled out and looked over to Heather and his eyes widened.

Heather Chandler was bleeding from her right arm and the left side of her head. The remaining shards of the beer bottle their dad had thrown at her scrattered across the floor, the parts that weren’t there were stuck into Heather’s arm and near her eye.

”Chands!” JD stumbled over to her and cupped her face. Studying the injury on it, a part of her forehead was bleeding and she was lucky that none of the shards had gone into her eye. Instead they were implanted very close to it. The girl was crying as the tears mixed in with her blood.

”Chands I’m gonna get some bandages for you ok? I promised to help you!” The black haired boy said before standing up and running out of her room.

He was quick and quiet, living with his dad for so long had taught him how to go by unnoticed. JD ran into the kitchen to go and grab the first aid kit before quickly getting back upstairs to Chandler’s room.

The blonde had managed to stop the bleeding on her arm, and also picked out all the shards, JD quickly went and helped her with her injuries. Once making sure all the shards were out of her forehead and arm, he patched them up with bandages. He was so used to having to do this to himself that he knew how to help his sister.

The two sat in silence for a while, Heather just sitting on the ground, she had stopped crying but now her left eye was covered with a bandage, how was she going to explain that to her friends?

JD tucked his knees into his chest and rested his arms on top of them, he looked at Chandler before getting up.

”I’m sorry you had to deal with him for so long JD...” Heather quietly said as she continued to stare at the ground. JD was taken aback, Heather? Apologising? To him of all people?

”S’ fine...but promise me you’ll stay safe around him alright?” The boy said as he sniffed, he wasn’t going to cry, not now.

”I promise...how about we watch a movie we can make fun of?” Heather looked up at her brother, a small smile resting on her lips.

”Bee movie?”

”Bee movie.”

And so that’s how the two step-siblings spent the rest of their night, watching the bee movie together and making fun of it whenever they could.

_The Next Morning..._

_Dumb whores unite_

**DumbWhore** : Hey JD, my bro, the only family member I tolerate and slightly love? 

**DumberWhore** : waddup? 

**DumbWhore** : shut your fucking emo music up before i shove my sandal so far up your ass you’ll throw it up

 **DumberWhore** : Jesus tiddy Christ Heather

 **DumberWhore** : I will do a Duke

 **DumbWhore** : wait no-

 **DumberWhore** : R  🥺 r  😡 r  😬 roll 🍯 up  ☁️ to  😩 the  🌝 party 🥳 in  ✨ my  💦 crazy  🍉 pink 💖 wig  👩🎤 but 👁 i  👅 cant 👂 get 🖕 through  🦶 the  😻 door 😼 because 😈 my  🤡 booty’s 💀 too 🤤 big  🥵 one  🖋 percent 🔮 is  ⛄️ human  👦🏻 99  👃 is  👤 plastic 🤖 just 🤒 a  😻 sec  👻 i  🧬 gotta  🧼 fix  🧸 my  🎀 lips  👄 these  🤏 hoes 👱🏼♀️ are  🤴 jealous  😳 because  💕 their 🥶 manz  👨🏻 want  🧠 me  👾 i  🎃 cant 🤢 believe 🤮 it  🥱 that  🐶 girls  🐱 so  🍑 sexy  🥴 dude  🛹 are  🏌️♀️ you  🍆 crazy 🙀 i  🎭 think  🩰 that  ✈️ girls 💸 a 🐸 (cant say) 🦋 !

**DumbWhore** : end me here and now god 

**DumberWhore** : you shoulda never introduced me to your friends chands 

**DumbWhore** : love you too bro

**DumbWhore** : NOW SHUT THAY MUSIC UP

**DumberWhore** : thay 

**DumbWhore** : YOU LITTLE SHIT-


	7. Getting bonked? Not cool dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ImBlue: theres 104 days of summer vacation 
> 
> Smallhulk: and my crippling depression comes to end that
> 
> DemonicRed: so the annual problem for our generation 
> 
> Smallhulk: is finding a good way to snort cookie crumbs like McAngel did once
> 
> ImBlue: HEATHER DID W H A T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am giving you serotonin

_Chandler can’t spell_

**ImBlue** : ughhhhh schools so boring :(

 **DemonicRed** : I dant give a shiet Ronnie

 **SmallHulk** : Oop is that your Scottish ancestry coming out Heather?

 **SmallHulk** : the only thing about you that has come out tbh

 **DemonicRed** : you motherfucker SQUARE THE FUCK UP

 **Smallhulk** : I would but Heather said I couldn’t hurt animals 

**ImBlue** : owo this tension is thicc 

**DemonicRed** : I-

 **DemonicRed** : Ronnie what the fuck

 **ImBlue** : IM SORRYRRYEHSIWBKDN

 **Yeellow** : I’m off sick and when I come on my phone for the first time this is the shit I see

 **Smallhulk** : bby I’m so sorry smh look what you did Chands 

**DemonicRed** : ME?????

 **ImBlue** : tbh...yeah your spelling started this

 **DemonicRed** : I’m fucking betrayed rn ngl

 **DemonicRed** : you’re all botched 

**DemonicRed** : botches 

**DemonicRed** : batches

 **DemonicRed** : BITCHES

 **Smallhulk** :...

 **ImBlue** :...

 **Yeellow** : Heather what the fuck

 **DemonicRed** : yeah I kinda see why you guys make fun of me for not being able to spell

 **Smallhulk** : wait wait wait 

**Smallhulk** : FUCK I HAVE PE NEXT

 **DemonicRed** : HA FUCK YOU BITCH

 **Smallhulk** : that means you have it as well whore

 **DemonicRed** :...FUCK

 **ImBlue** : wait Heather I thought you worked out?

 **DemonicRed** : I do but most of my class are horny and half high boys who think they can get into my pants 

**Smallhulk** : I usually just get my exercise from running away from Chands

 **DemonicRed** : I think it’s dodgeball today

 **ImBlue** : fuck

 **Smallhulk** : fuck

 **Yeellow** : fuck

 **Yeellow** : wait why am I saying fuck I’m not even in today

 **Smallhulk** : alright gotta mentally prep myself to be slammed in the face by a dodgeball

 **ImBlue** : do you think if I cry in front of the teacher he’ll feel uncomfortable enough to let me sit out?

 **DemonicRed** : no

 **Smallhulk** : yes

 **Yeellow** : maybe?

 **ImBlue** : I’ll take that chance then

_Chandler can’t spell_

  
**ImBlue** : ok the plan didn’t work cause SOMEBODY called me out on the fake tears

 **DemonicRed** : bitch work on yo fucking acting 

**Smallhulk** : can’t believe I didn’t get hit by a single ball

 **Smallhulk** : I truly have the power of lesbianism

 **Yeellow** : i think i have a fever

 **ImBlue** : and yet you can still spell better than Chandler

 **DemonicRed** : Fooook yuuuuu

 **DemonicRed** : don’t blame me for that one one of my eyes are covered 

**ImBlue** : oh yeah I forgot you were wearing that eyepatch cause you lost a bet with JD

 **Smallhulk** : surprised you dared to even bet against him

 **Yeellow** : the fuck is happening 

**Smallhulk** : oh yeah you aren’t in

 **Smallhulk** : basically Chands came into school today wearing an eyepatch and she said the reason why is cause she lost a bet with JD or smthn

 **Yeellow** : you’re all idiots

 **Yeellow** : I would destroy you all if I didn’t feel like my body was giving up

 **Smallhulk** : mood

 **ImBlue** : um chile anyways so,,,

 **ImBlue** : phineas and ferb was iconic can I just say?

 **DemonicRed** : where the fuck did that come from

 **ImBlue** : LET ME FINISH

 **ImBlue** : the opening was a bop and im listening to it rn

 **Smallhulk** : tru

 **DemonicRed** : tru

 **ImBlue** : theres 104 days of summer vacation 

**Smallhulk** : and my crippling depression comes to end that

 **DemonicRed** : so the annual problem for our generation 

**Smallhulk** : is finding a good way to snort cookie crumbs like McAngel did once

 **ImBlue** : HEATHER DID W H A T

 **Yeellow** : D U K E

 **Smallhulk** : sowwy uwu im just so quirky :3c

 **DemonicRed** : ew kill it with fire 

**Yeellow** : ᵗⁱᵐᵉ ⁱˢ ᵃⁿ ⁱˡˡᵘˢⁱᵒⁿ ᶠᵒʳ ᵈᵉᵃᵗʰ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵠᵘⁱᵉᵗˡʸ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉⁿᵈ ᵘˢ ᵃˡˡ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵉⁿᵈ

**ImBlue** : wh-

**DemonicRed** : im-

**Smallhulk** : babe are you ok?

**Yeellow** : oh yeah lmao just fucking feeling high as fuck

**Smallhulk** : that reminds me

**Smallhulk** : hey chands :)))))

**DemonicRed** : what

**Smallhulk** : I am speed. 1 winner, 26 losers. Hah, I eat losers for breakfast. Breakfast? Hm, brekkie could be good for me. No, no. Focus. I am speed. Faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I am lightning.

 **DemonicRed** : dear god no

 **DemonicRed** : I THOUGHT WE FUCKIN GOT PAST THIS

 **DemonicRed** : GET OUT OF YOUR CARS OHASE DUKE ITS BEEN LIKE 10 FUCKING YEARS

 **Smallhulk** : NEVER 

**ImBlue** : oh hell yeah more copypastas!

 **DemonicRed** : RONNIE DONT U FUCKIN DARE

 **ImBlue** : ok I won’t do it then

 **Smallhulk** : simp

 **ImBlue** : bitch I will punt you

 **Smallhulk** : ᴾˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵏⁱᶜᵏ ᵐᵉ

**DemonicRed** :...fuck it MCNABITCH MAKE ME SICK WITH A FEVER TOO IM DONE WITH THESE IDIOTS

**ImBlue** : OwO you wuv us 

**Smallhulk** : UwU you want to kwissy kwissy us

**DemonicRed** : bold words from someone within punting distance

**Smallhulk** : WAIT DONT KICK ME PLEHWODBWKD

**ImBlue** : Fatality 

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is short due to me being tired


End file.
